Wednesday, July 25, 2007
This week one of my children (Whoshallreamainnamelessyouallprobablyknowwhichoneanyway) seems to have set his teeth towards making me and everyone else around him miserable. I don't get this kid sometimes. He can be so difficult. Not just the effort involved in seeing to his attitudes and character development but just the bewilderment I feel in making even the slightest dent in his mindset. Not only that he needs to suppress the urge of kicking apart his younger brother's Brio train set up, but that he needs to deal with the fact that he plain has a mean streak sometimes and needs to deal with his sinful little heart!!
Another child, who is not so overtly naughty, but still has a sin nature of her own has been inclined to demonstrate it by slumping her shoulders and screwing up her mouth at every little thing I ask her to do. She slumps off as though the weight of the world were on her shoulders and I am the Mean Taskmaster of the World.
How do I get her to see that it is not my or her older siblings job to put away her laundry for her and that I only ask her to get out her math for her own good? I can make her change the expression on her face, but I can't change her heart.
I do have to be faithful in dealing with these children. I can't just leave them to themselves. But I pray and pray more and more that God will please help me in this mothering thing! I so need Him to be dealing with them even when I don't know the thoughts they are harboring in those little minds of theirs!
The other day I was walking down the street with S. and we were discussing the particular difficulties we are having with these particular children. She commented that sometimes she gets scared to have children just thinking about all these things you have to deal with. I said "Well, if you have to do it on your own, you ought to be terrified!"
But she knew what I meant was that we aren't on our own. And sometimes I just have to keep on even though I am not seeing much good fruit right now. And I have to pray and pray, not relying on my own strength to teach these kids the things that are good and right, but believe that God loves them more than I do and that He hears the prayers I hold out for them. It isn't an excuse to be lazy, but strength to move on when it takes something out of me and I wonder if it could be doing one bit of good!
There are lots of other people I'm praying for as well, that I don't have the privilege of being so directly involved with. I pray and pray for them, worry over them, and watch to see if any of my prayers are having any fruit at all! Sometimes I get tired of feeling anxious over them and wonder why on earth I am so emotionally involved and think maybe I should just leave off. But then I wonder if my prayers might be doing some good and who is it that would want me to stop praying? It drives me nuts. In person I ask them about ordinary things but I want to say "How are you doing, REALLY!" Prayer is hard. It seems so pointless, to think that the words I utter at the ceiling could be doing anything. I wonder if God is answering them. I simply must trust and expect that He is.