Monday, February 18, 2008

I am so, so tired. Sleep is this elusive thing these days. At night when the rest of the family is watching a movie (Lately though, the Jeeves and Wooster series) I can't stay awake for it and I always fall asleep. But then about 12:30, 1:00 *bing*! I'm awake. Wide awake and my mind gets going. Sometimes I lie there and worry about elections. But most of the time I just think about stuff. Lots of stuff. I try to stop thinking. I say "OK, one, two, three, stop thinking." Then I lie there and think about not thinking. Can a person not think?

I worry about the kids. When R. and I had S. back when, I was sure I could be the most perfectest mom ever. I wanted so much to raise a bunch of really godly warrior children for Christ. That would go out and take on this dying culture. They would be better prepared than I was to face the onslaught of deathly ideas. I wanted them to have a clear straight eye and confidence in their step. (I still do.) I remember when we had just found out that I was pregnant with #5. Our pastor (Not at our current church) asked us rather incredulously, "So, how many of these do you think you'll have? I mean, how many do you think you can afford?" I felt so sad and discouraged at that. If we had been called onto the mission field, I'm sure he would have been the first to encourage us to have faith and watch for the Lord to provide. But having a family and raising them for the Lord wasn't seen as a "calling" and therefore not a work of faith. But I was sure God would see our desire to please and serve Him and would see us through. And He has, thus far.

I need to keep reminding myself of these things. It is harder to be optimistic and have that faith when you get older, I notice. You are so much more aware of all the things that could go wrong. And all the effort involved. And how limited you are. I worry about making wrong desicions. I worry about the kids not really learning to know the Lord. I know how deceptive sin can be. I worry about them not having a passion to guide their own families to come and that all our efforts would be lost. I know so much better now that it is all God's grace and no effort of my own that will give them real salvation and power for Christ on this earth, and I am so much more familiar with the fact of how little I deserve any of His interest. I worry about my own physical limits. I worry about plain getting tired. I worry about R. and how hard he works. We have put so much into just raising a family and making it day to day. I wonder where we will be in 20 years.

I guess though, learning to be optimistic in the face of real fears is faith. Not the blase, "oh, it will be OK" but knowing that life really does have it's risks, and that God is the God of them all.

And now, the baby is crying, and the kids are sick. And that's "the next thing" (as Elisabeth Elliot would say.)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Well, I've been trying to limit my computer time because we're still trying to find the time to replace the hard drive. But I had to get on today looking for contractor law stuff so I might as well pop by and type something here...


Are you doing anything for Valentines? I learned a long time ago not to put too much expectation on days being remembered by R. Because they usually aren't. Then I would be miserable and one day it came to me that I'm always most miserable on my birthday or Valentines-why? Because he never really does anything for those days. And has my being miserable changes anything? No. So, why expect anything and be miserable? Why not expect nothing and just be at least as happy as any other day? So now I never expect anything. It would completely blow me away if he did do something. He's like me in that if he feel like somethings expected he's less likely to do it anyway. We work by contraries. Oh well, if I really want chocolate, I can pick out my own box.

Now I have to go up to Starbucks because I dropped my checkbook there yesterday when I took S. up for coffee. Sometimes I just have to get that girl out for a little walking and a dose of caffeine, or else she gets a little pale and limp. All the way there she was mumbling and sighing but by the time we started home she was talking and laughing, so I guess it was an hour well spent. But I hate having to go back up there today. Grrr....

Friday, February 8, 2008

I thought this video was hilarious. But you know, in all seriousness, there has been a lot of talk about change in Washington, and I couldn't agree more. I want more change from Washington too. I'm a big believer in change. I want lots of change.

You know, like..Keep the change, here's your change, change jingling in my pocket, lots of change in the change jar.. Lots of it, please?

Oh and what on earth does Hillary mean she embodies change? Is she like some sci-fi shape-shifter? Should we be afraid she might morph into something else on stage or something? It sounds painful!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Ok..well, my most astute political friend says it's better for the Republicans to wrap up their primary and let McCain start campaigning for the presidency and let the Dems have at scratching each other all to pieces.


But I can see the reason in that I guess.

So, you all can vote for McCain if you want.

I'm going to vote for Huckabee and hope he gets the VP.

Just between you and me I wasn't all that wild about Romney anyway...

Monday, February 4, 2008

Well, tomorrow is Super Tuesday. Does your state vote?

I know I listen to entirely too much talk radio. I listen to Michael Medved. He is convinced that the only Republican who can beat (especially) O Bama is McCain. I don't want McCain. For one thing, I think his temper alone is a big, big problem. The Bible is full of warnings about a man with a bad temper. I'm afraid of him bursting a gasket in a debate (especially with Obama since he's seen as a 'nice guy') and blowing the whole thing. I give the standard qualifiers as everyone who ever says they don't want McCain have to give: He'sagreatwarhero,Irepspecthisservice,IfheisthenomineeIwillvoteforhiminthegeneralelection.

But I won't be excited about it.

Among the other reasons I'm not excited about McCain is the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform, the fact that he voted against George Bush's tax cuts, his opposition to drilling in ANWR, and he buys into the whole 'man-caused-global-warming' idea. He appeals to the centerists, but I doubt he will motivate the Republican base much. Unless he runs against Hilary, then I think everyone will be motivated no matter who the Republican nominee is.. But Obama..

I guess I'm pretty much left with Romney.

But mostly I'm feeling sick to my stomach...

But I'm keeping my Huckabee magnet on my fridge. Cause it makes me smile. :)

Friday, February 1, 2008

Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage. What makes a good marriage? What is the definition of a good marriage for that matter? Is it that the couple are happy and living relatively peacefully together? Is it that they've raised a passel of Christian warrior types? Is it enough that their children went on to establish relatively happy households themselves? Or if their children bomb out, but their marriage was still together and peaceful, is that still a succesful marriage?

R. and I will be married for 20 years next fall. All in all I think we've been pretty happy. If my kids went on to have comparable marriage, I'd be pretty happy for them, I think. But I'm defining my definition of a good marriage on the fact that we are pretty happy together, get along well, still enjoy being together and all that. Is that enough? Or is it selfish to see it that way? Like should I look at how beneficial to society our marriage has been?

I wonder what was it about us that has made our marriage pretty peaceful and happy compared to other people we know. Especially I wonder because we did not follow almost any of the forms that are put forth in a lot of Christian and especially homeschooling circles. And other people we know who were much more careful aren't always quite as happy. Human nature is an interesting study, isn't it?

We feel a lot of responsibility to be involved in our children's choices. We really, really want to do a good job, not just leave them to themselves in the most important decision they can make like we were. But I feel conflicted about what is most important.

What traits to look for?

Pride. God save my girls from a prideful man. Or my boys from a prideful girl, for that matter..Pride is a very scary thing. It not only is a vice in itself, when you are afflicted with it you cannot get help for it or any other problem you may be dealing with. The pride itself keeps you from any improvement in any area that it would be detrimental to your pride to admit fault. Plus it's obnoxious and makes everyone else miserable.

Resentfulness.There are so many opportunities in a marriage to make "lists" against each other. Not a formula for happiness.

Self control. Self control is how we protect ourselves and others around us from our own sin nature. We all have temptations, but it won't matter what you are tempted with if you never act upon it. This is one trait I need more of. :(

Contentment.. None of us gets everything we want. How do you deal with it?

Ability to laugh, especially at oneself.

I find all these extensive lists interesting. Are they realistic? Is an extensive list a sign of high standards? Or is it a sign of perfectionism that could be a problem in itself? Is it a bit much to expect all these traits to be fullfilled in one person? I know, it depends on the list.

Just some random musings that I was chewing on during my walk today. You input is completely, happily welcome!

And as an aside-WHY can't I find the place where the image is put into my template? On Homeschool blogger it's really easy to find and change on the html but I can't even find it on blogger and I want to center it or repeat it or something...