I would really appreciate if you all would pray for our little guy, Zeke. Last week he was playing with his brother and fell funny on his foot. It's been giving him pain off and on all week so my husband took him to get an x-ray yesterday and today they called us and told us that it looks like he has a fracture. There's also some unclarity in the x-ray and there's even talk about surgery.

This last year just seems like one bamboozle after another. We had a baby in September last year and we pay our midwife out of pocket. Soon after my husband's back went out and was out of work for a few weeks and then there were chiropractor bills. We had a major financial loss with my husband's business due to a conflict with a client. Now he is taking us to court to get more money out of us. Our son cut his hand open carving and we had to take him in for stitches. There have been difficulties in personal relationships. Any of these things in themselves, we could recover from, but every time we start to get our feet back under us another thing happens.

It gets to where I've started feeling jumpy all the time, wondering what could be next.

I don't care anymore. If God wants us to be able to pay our bills, they will get paid. If He doesn't, they won't. I'm tired of feeling guilty, wondering if I hadn't done this or that. I don't care what people think anymore. I'm tired of trying to handle things right and then have them fall apart anyway.

This might sound pessimistic, but actually, I'm feeling relieved. Nothing is in my hands. I can't do anything about anything. Not try to find a cheaper house, not feel guilty because I feel like I should be selling stuff on Ebay or finding some way to make money to pay the bills. Not wonder about how the things I've said or done or tried to do are interpreted by others. I'm just done with it all.

I want to be a good wife and mother. Dare I say, even a godly one? I try hard some days and some days I belly-flop in major ways. I think I know something and then I don't. I want to have high standards and I'm happier with my life when I do. I don't believe my inadequacies are an excuse not to try. But somewhere there is a line where I just have to give it all to God and hope in His mercy. That's all I really ever had anyway.

I'm going to go clean the kitchen. :)