Saturday, May 31, 2008

I would really appreciate if you all would pray for our little guy, Zeke. Last week he was playing with his brother and fell funny on his foot. It's been giving him pain off and on all week so my husband took him to get an x-ray yesterday and today they called us and told us that it looks like he has a fracture. There's also some unclarity in the x-ray and there's even talk about surgery.

This last year just seems like one bamboozle after another. We had a baby in September last year and we pay our midwife out of pocket. Soon after my husband's back went out and was out of work for a few weeks and then there were chiropractor bills. We had a major financial loss with my husband's business due to a conflict with a client. Now he is taking us to court to get more money out of us. Our son cut his hand open carving and we had to take him in for stitches. There have been difficulties in personal relationships. Any of these things in themselves, we could recover from, but every time we start to get our feet back under us another thing happens.

It gets to where I've started feeling jumpy all the time, wondering what could be next.

I don't care anymore. If God wants us to be able to pay our bills, they will get paid. If He doesn't, they won't. I'm tired of feeling guilty, wondering if I hadn't done this or that. I don't care what people think anymore. I'm tired of trying to handle things right and then have them fall apart anyway.

This might sound pessimistic, but actually, I'm feeling relieved. Nothing is in my hands. I can't do anything about anything. Not try to find a cheaper house, not feel guilty because I feel like I should be selling stuff on Ebay or finding some way to make money to pay the bills. Not wonder about how the things I've said or done or tried to do are interpreted by others. I'm just done with it all.

I want to be a good wife and mother. Dare I say, even a godly one? I try hard some days and some days I belly-flop in major ways. I think I know something and then I don't. I want to have high standards and I'm happier with my life when I do. I don't believe my inadequacies are an excuse not to try. But somewhere there is a line where I just have to give it all to God and hope in His mercy. That's all I really ever had anyway.

I'm going to go clean the kitchen. :)

6 comments:

Mrs. Darling said...

S would you please put the coffee on? Oh and I would like 2 T. of iceream in that if you would please. Now Kerri lets talk.

I loved how bared your soul in this entry. Its so real and so you. It feels just like we're in your living room. You are so right.

I had a long talk with Tink about this very thing last night. You cant be someone you're not. You cant make everyone happy. You may do things with all the right intentions but they will still backfire- that sort of talk.

Now here you are saying the same thing. I told Tink that the way she was feeling is the same way adults still feel. Its so true. There are times we have to quit trying to make it all right and just let God order and plan our days in His own sweet will and time.

Remember the verse in Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you and they are of good and not of evil"

And then the verse in Proverbs which we rattle off all the time without really thinking it through but its profound, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path!"

hiddenart said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. You are in a good place. It is so liberating to allow ourselves to relinquish any thought of control. God's plan is always good.
amanda

kerri @ gladoil said...

Thanks, Mrs Darling. I hope Tink is feeling better. I'm probably being a drama queen, but just for today I felt like having a good cry. :(

Joyce said...

Kerri,

Have you considered going through DSHS for the health insurance for the children? We were opposed to doing that for most of our marriage, until one of our children became chronically ill. Her meds cost over $2,000 per month. We consider that the help we receive from DSHS is part of the Lord's provision for us.

Also, at our church, we have a benevolent fund to help our members and others who are going through financial difficulties. Does your church do this as well? It's difficult to need help, but sometimes, we just DO need to be the recipients of the brethren's help.

I do hope Zeke will be better soon :) and that you will be encouraged. It sounds like you have a wonderful friend in Mrs. Darling. :)

kerri @ gladoil said...

Joyce, thankyou for the suggestion. I seriously don't think we would qualify. Being self employed, trying to qualify for it is almost like going through a tax audit.

It's not really the money, so much. I mean that is a stress, but it's more the emotional up and downs we've been going through. I don't know. I'm just tired of crisis. I like things mundane and regular. :)

Joyce said...

Kerri,

My husband is self-employed, too, and yes, It is like going through a tax audit (every six months)! HOWEVER, for us, this financial help is a major stress-reliever, since we simply cannot afford another $2,000 bill per month!

I'm praying for Zeke, hoping that he's healing up OK. :)